PARC Etiquette

Here in PARC, we pride ourselves on being the best-dressed, best-kept, smartest, funniest, most sociable and all-around badass residents this side of Sheridan road (or at least, that's what we tell ourselves). We have a particular reputation to uphold. And we can't have just any yoohoo screwing that up by representing the PARC name promiscuously (okay, maybe promiscuous is fine) - but still, we will revoke your residency and shun you if you don't abide by our rules.


1. Don't ride a fucking scooter
Bikes are perfectly acceptable - the most preferable form of cross-campus transit apart from walking, in fact. Nothing is more annoying than the clunk-clunk-clunk of a scooter as it rolls over the cracks of a sidewalk. And besides, you look like a dumbass. Are you honestly gonna walk into class with a scooter folded underneath your arm?  Like, really? You wanna be that kid. Then go ahead. But I can literally walk faster than a scooter, and look a lot less ridiculous doing it. If you have any respect for yourself... just... just don't.

2. Don't use a sunbrella
A sunbrella is an umbrella used in the middle of a beautifully sunny day to prevent pale-skinned nerds from the apparent danger of evaporation in temperatures higher than 75 degrees. You don't need a fucking sunbrella. Maybe if you're at the beach. And if it's raining - drizzling, even - go for it. But if you're walking to class, you can withstand a few minutes of direct sunlight. Seriously, there's something wrong with you if you're using a sunbrella.

3. You're sunglasses shouldn't be bigger than your face
Period. You look like a dumbass. Some people can pull it off. But that's like 3 people at Northwestern, so it's probably not you. Sorry.

4. Don't wear rain boots
This goes without saying if you have a penis. If not, you still shouldn't wear them, cause you look stupid. Some of them are acceptable, but if you wear them, you're taking a risk. A risk of being ridiculed. By me.

5. Don't sing in public
NEWS FLASH: If you're wearing headphones, the rest of the world can fucking hear you sing! Just shutup. Now, I'm not gonna lie. I do partake in the occasional tune. But it's always in the privacy of my own room, or in the company of people I actually know - who've come to expect what I willingly recognize as the shrillness of my singing voice. But nothing aggravates me more than randos, fooled by the assumption that they're the next Jennifer Lopez or Will Smith (world class singers, obvs), who believe it's their duty to bless the rest of the unsuspecting world with their obviously inspiring voice. No. You suck, and nobody wants to hear you but you.


This list is necessarily incomplete, so updates will almost certainly appear in the future. But you all have something to work off of.